The Problem with Believing in Yourself

 "One of the most common problems with individuals today is that they do not believe in themselves.
Many people constantly doubt their abilities, skills, talents, opinions, and numerous other aspects that makes them who they are. For these individuals, a lot of precious time is wasted on this demeaning method of thinking.
If you are looking to improve yourself, your life, the way that others see you, and the way that you see yourself, it is important to understand the importance of believing in yourself. If you miss the opportunity of accomplishing this very important goal, you will continue to miss opportunities all through your life..."

Ah, yes. I do believe the beginning of this inspiring article was just meant for me. I want to find out if I have a good self-image. Maybe if I realize I don't I'll move onto the solution.
What's the solution? Better self-confidence. aka. Believing in myself.

The first thing they recommend is writing a list of goals and dreams... hmm. Already did that. Funny... I've accomplished maybe one or two of my somewhat outlandish dreams and ideas. And what I'm doing now wasn't even on that list and yet I'm still fulfilled in it.

Moving on... the second part to believing in yourself is finding out what my gifts and talents are. Looking at my career test, spiritual gifts test, and love language test, I probably shouldn't have even attempted the job(s) I have now.

(So far, I think this means I don't believe in myself every much)

Next step... overcoming the obstacle of fear. Ah. Well I've conquered that... I mean I think I have... I mean, well, I don't get scared by certain things anymore... of course, if a snake were to slither its way beside me, I'd... oh never mind.

Last method... challenge yourself. So, once I write down my dreams and goals, find out what my gifts and talents are, and overcome the obstacle of fear, I'm supposed to challenge myself?
Considering that I'm no longer afraid of anything, this should be a piece of cake. Right. And challenging myself is always a piece of cake.

Pardon my sarcastic rant, but I firmly believe that believing in yourself will not create the kind of belief in yourself that you really think you'll have. 

Let me use myself as an example.

People will come up to me occasionally and tell me they hear what a good teacher I am.
I often grin when I hear that, because actually, if I base it on human effort I'm not a very good teacher. I've switched up schedules, said things I shouldn't have, stuttered through many weeks of History lectures, have had moments of confusion over 6th grade Math, and become stumped over the many questions I'm asked.

Now, to the self-esteem promoters, the above paragraph would be saddening. I'm not believing in myself! I'm also speaking negatively about my actions! Horrors!

To the Christ-followers, the above paragraph should be an example of the grace of God. He led me to where I am, was so faithful in calling me to His strength when I felt weak, and has showed off so much of His power because I can't even take credit for answered prayer anyways.

If I had believed in my abilities as a teacher (even though I'd never taught before), and if I had overcome the obstacle of fear I feel when I have to confront, I would have no need for Jesus. After all, if I believe in myself, I don't need anyone else. And THAT, unfortunately, is the core of what believing in yourself really is. It leaves no room for the need of a Savior and Deliverer.
Jesus calls us to deny ourselves, not believe in ourselves.  

All this to say, you can believe in yourself as much as you like.
But I'd rather believe in a God who heals the sick, moves mountains, forgives, restores, redeems, and provides for His pitifully weak children.

"O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." -Ps. 84:12

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." -Matt. 16:24-25     

When Life Hands You a Pogo Stick

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." -Lemony Snicket

It was only a simple choice. A pogo stick just calling my name.
A split second decision.
I found myself flat on my back, the wind momentarily knocked out of me.
I try forcing a laugh.
Minutes later my body is going into shock: chills, clamminess, a rush of pain. 

Simple and seemingly pointless decisions can sometimes alter the course of your life.
At least, it can alter the course of your immediate life.
The alterations can sometimes happen for the better... but there may be painful side effects.
Attempting to ride a pogo stick and landing on your tailbone may be a cheesy example.
But it quite literally makes you slow down.
You walk behind the cute old ladies in the grocery store instead of passing them.
Your daily decisions are based on whether or not it is too painful to bend over or if it's too far to walk.  Sometimes you sit and imagine what it would be like to have no stiffness in your neck.

But sometimes... sometimes these little painful incidents are reminders. Reminders that God can work ALL things for our good.
It's easy to breeze through life hoping good things will happen all the time.
It's harder to walk slowly and somehow understand that pain always has a purpose.

I want healing, I want wholeness.
But if I am to hobble around in pain for a few weeks, then I want it to be a pain that makes me want Him more.
If I am granted healing and a release from pain, then I want it to be a healing that makes me want Him more.
  
It's a matter of perspective, really.
It's a daily choice- and today I choose to live dependent on Him.

{In the meantime, pogo sticks are no longer on my list of things-to-do}
 

Old Cars and the Glamorous Life

 I used to believe the Christian life should be glamorous.
Glamorous because you could win souls (as if it were some sort of game- wins and losses), be highly respected, God would bless you (we mean materially of course. You give away money, and He'll give you lots more... mostly for your bigger house and nicer car.) On top of all this, there would be those world travels full of inspiring stories of praying for people, "winning" more souls, and adventurous adventures.

This past year or two has completely gone against those ideas, but I was reminded of it the other day. Dad had finished fixing up a car to resell. It was a supposed to be mine at one point, but in a roundabout sort of way, it hadn't worked out. Being a kind and helpful daughter, I offered to, you know, test drive it around to make sure it was running okay and everything. So on my weekends home, I would drive it to church, to meet friends, or just because I could:]

Unfortunately, the more I drove it, the more discontent I became with "George," my greenish Honda that's older than me. I found myself whining to God... "Um, hey God? You see my ugly little car, right? I know it works great and all, but I really like this one better. So if you could just, uh, somehow make my car quit working? You know the back window is taped, and my car stereo is out, and well... It's just not how I pictured the "good gifts you give to your children."

Driving back home, I am convicted of course.
I am reminded of my previous belief- the glamorous Christian life I was expecting.
Instead of world travels, "winning souls," and a nice car, I am a small town teacher with an old car and if your comparing it to world travels, rather ordinary sort of adventures.

I am not living the glamorous Christian life in any sort of way.
Instead, I am learning to live in the fulfilled Christian life.
The one that falls exhausted into bed each night, and gets up early the next day because devotions is not just a habit, but a need.
The one where denying yourself and following Him is hard and freeing.
The one in which God works in spite of you.
The one where being a servant is the highest, hardest calling one can imagine.

The choice has been given: A "glamorous" life or a fulfilled life.
Glamorous is easy to live, but fulfilled is closer to the heart of Who Christ is. 
It really depends on what you value more. 

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Matthew 10:39 

Oh yes. And the green Honda named George? He's still running. And God is still good. 

Refine.

Updating this blog has become a bit of a problem. You see, I have so many half-written, half-spoken thoughts. And most times they just drop off and I move onto the next big thought.
Needless to say, perhaps the theme of the last couple months has been a common thread in the unfinished thought.

SUFFERING.

The past year, sometimes in greater measures and sometimes not at all, God has taught this teacher so much about weakness and suffering and grace. Mostly, He has showed me what worship really IS.
He has taken the clay that I am and put me right in the furnace.

It really hurts sometimes.

The furnace is hot and uncomfortable and sometimes even dangerous.
It refines and purifies the things in me that are me and not Him.
It's like gold... being refined again and again and again.

But in the suffering, He has taught me to rejoice.
He has worked all things for His good.
And when the world (aka my circumstances) come crashing down around me, all I can do is crawl to the cross and cling to it.
But beyond that, I am learning something else. I must not just cling to the cross, I am to cling to it JOYFULLY.
Because joy is something that is there in spite of circumstances. Joy is beyond anything in the natural realm. Beyond what we can perceive from human eyes.

It's not happiness. It's not super-human or bigger than life.
It's an overflow of the Father in us.
How absolutely incredible is that?

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren...
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights."
-Habbakuk 3:17-19

My God's got power.
He uses the worst circumstances and gives us a reason to rejoice!
It's not ignoring the problem or avoiding the situation.
It's rejoicing because of who HE is, not because of where you are.

 

It's called Worship.

It's a Honeybrook Life

In approximately 3.5 days I will be moving to an exotic place called Honeybrook.
Most people have never heard of it. That's okay.
And actually, it doesn't appear that exotic. It's your everyday, ordinary American town.
But there are some everyday, ordinary Christians that have been bringing light to this town and who live intentionally and prayer walk through the streets and start youth centers and Bible studies and day camps. And I get to join them.
I'm teaching at a very small private school for kids in the community. And making a cozy attic bedroom my abode for the next 9 months.
I will spare you the details of how everything in my life has led up to this point.
Needless to say, God has been preparing me all summer for this.
There have been good things like spending a week in the town, having good long talks, playing too much jug-a-lug, and building relationships.
And there have been hard things like wrecking your brothers car and being physically and spiritually attacked by evil.
In it all, it's been amazing to see God confirm, and to see Him answer prayer in His own good time.
It's really cool... I get to brag on Him alot right now, because HE is quite honestly the reason I am going.
And I think God likes it best that way anyways. He moves and works, and then lets you sit back and be amazed at what He does.
But He also wants you to be ready and prepared for where He's going to take you. Which is why this summer has been one of the hardest and one of the best.
And I hope God is preparing and refining you, too. Wherever you go, whatever you do.

Here's to more learning and growing and new experiences and God-dependence.
Soli Deo Gloria.


"I am only a little pencil in the hands of a writing God..." ~Mother Teresa

Fiction in the Real World

Blogger's Note: The following post I have fought against writing for months. I've prayed and wrestled with God about it... obviously He won or else I would not be writing this for the whole world to see.
The following words are uncomfortable, absurd and ridiculous... but there is a burden inside of me to share this. I did not write this so I could tell you how to live. Only consider what these words mean for you and what you will do about it.


















It started with a consistent discontent (doesn't it always?)
A young adolescent girl, looking for an escape from what she deemed, "a miserable life."
Books about cowboys and fair maidens were only temporary, but an escape nonetheless.
There was only one flaw in this grand escape- the parents. Their standard of books was way too high.
That's what she thought.
Her rebellious heart took on the challenge and the bulk of her reading became "Inspirational Romance" right through her early-mid teen years.
Needless to say, God began convicting her heart. Showing her that it was an addiction, it fueled impure thoughts, and if she desired a greater closeness with Him like she said she did, the best thing she could possibly do was to give up the books.
Sounded easy... right?
For the next 2 years, she struggled off and on, sometimes very intensely, with the desire for temporary escape to these books. Sometimes she gave in.
But her greatest victory was one night sitting in an empty church library... she went to pick up a book, read the back cover, and put it back on the shelf, thoroughly confused. She had lost the desire. Nothing in her wanted to read it. And she has not read one since.
Weeks and months went by, and she began piecing together the reasons for why she was so addicted... and why the desire was now completely gone.
But the more she began piecing together the reasons, the more she began to realize how many thousands of other girls and women were and are in the same place she was.

And then there was that fateful conversation with a friend, the hard hitting realization: The biggest selling Christian books on the market today was Amish Romance.
Her heart began to ache and questions swarmed.
The journal entry went something like this:

"Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, noble, praiseworthy, of good report... think on these things." [phil. 4:8]
Fiction or stories in itself are not wrong. But fiction that centers on the final kiss will rarely, if ever, stir up pure and honorable thoughts...
There is something very wrong with our priorities. If the church of Christ, the heavenly Bride, is so occupied reading love stories about an earthly bride, then imagine how God, our very own Bridegroom, must weep over His bride... worshipping the created instead of the Creator, pursuing the short-lived thrill of fictional romance rather than seeking the heart of the Romancer.
We have reduced holiness to a state-of-being rather than a lifestyle. We have traded the Truth of Christ in for a cute little story about a Western cowboy  and his mail-order bride.
And perhaps worst of all, we have done it all in the name of "Christian."
We believe it's ok, so long as God is mentioned a few times in the course of the story.
But in all sincerity, who reads romance books because it mentions God?
...as Christians, I believe we are called to step up to the challenge and pray desperately for purity in our own hearts, but also pray for freedom from the bondage of this world..."

As she has found freedom, she began desiring that others would find it too.
Freedom to desire something better, to be convicted, to struggle, and then ultimately to be set free from what what weighs down relationships and marriages and personal lives.
And so she wrote a blog post in the hopes that others will begin to ask questions. They will begin to search for answers. And perhaps... perhaps they will begin longing for freedom and redemption, too.

In God I TRUST

TRUST....
-surrendering your desire for something greater
-actually believing Romans 8:28 is possible
-crying out to God but leaving the results in His hands
-learning to live with a quiet peace when everything else around you doesn't make sense
-believing even though you really can't see

[Trust. Quietness. Goals Revised. Jehovah Jireh.]

It's easy to be transparent when everything is going good. Inspiring thoughts, challenging words, a passion to move ahead. But in the "fires of sorrow," we must be willing to be transparent, too.
It keeps us humble.
Makes us human.
Gives others a chance to bless you.
And it grows us up. One tiny step. One leap of faith at a time.

"Thank God that he does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a joyous thing, but it is also something that requires bravery, courage, and holiness. It tests us for all we are worth." [Oswald Chambers]