Apron DIY, Soap Suds, and Obedience

I'll admit I am not much of a sewing-type nor much of a DIY type.
Sewing takes too much meticulous concentration. DIY is too trendy {insert cough}.

(The beginnings of the apron: I bought a XL men's shirt, mostly cause it was cheap and I like the fabric. 
And mostly because I thought maybe, perhaps, it would make a cool apron. I added the lace hoping it would add a nice, feminine touch.)

However, considering the next step before me, I braved the unknown.

 (it was rather simple. Chop off the sleeves, hem up the edges...)

                                                         
Actually, God's been teaching me this past year to brave the unknown not once, but twice.
You see, almost exactly a year ago He sent me to the little town of Honeybrook.
He called me to be a schoolteacher {official title}
Unofficially, I learned that teaching in a DIY mode is absolutely impossible.
I learned that being a front-line missionary is HARD WORK, but when dependent on Him, SO FULL OF JOY.

Halfway through the school year, He decided to use a little humor and give me an unusual opportunity. Because of a mishap involving a pogo stick (see pogo stick post here if you want to know how it happened), God showed me a new place.
I went back home and He kept pressing it... not letting me forget it.
And so it brings me to today.
Leaving teacher-hood, with all its ups and downs, behind. And embarking on the new adventure of... camp cook.

(It worked! Lace added a very pleasant touch.)

I know, it's a pretty far shot from being a teacher. What do they have in common anyways??
Not much save the fact that He never wastes each moment, each season of life.
Whether doing something "great" like teaching middle school girls, or something "insignificant" like cooking at a residential girls camp.

(natural evening light and a nautical, almost taylored look)

"...we ought not to be weary of doing little things for the love of God, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed..." -Brother Lawrence

All this to say, you now know where I will be for the next year... or 2 or 3.
While my ideas and dreams of travels to places like inner-city Paris and the slums of India have not materialized yet, He is teaching me that the best place to be is the place He puts me.
It doesn't require a fancy calling or a glamorous idea.
It requires obedience and hard work and simple faith. {All of which I'm still learning, by the way}

So yes, I will spend my next year making food, washing dishes, and making more food for 25 girls (all in a kitchen in the backwoods of South Carolina).
But I know God calls a person to more than just "be."

"That the end we ought to propose to ourselves is to become, in this life, the most perfect worshipers of God we can possibly be, as we hope to be through all eternity."

I hope to be, like Brother Lawrence (a dishwashing monk in the 1500's), one who practices His presence, no matter where I am or what I do.
It sounds high and spiritual and unattainable.
With His help, I want it to be a daily, livable reality.
{Even awash in soap suds and wearing a DIY apron.}

On Being Poured Out and Filled Up

pour [verb]:
1. to send flowing or falling, as from one container to another, or into, over, or on something
2. to emit or propel, especially continuously or rapidly
3. to produce or utter in or as in a stream or flood

fill [verb]:

1. to make full; put as much as can be held into

2. to supply to an extreme degree or plentifully: to fill a house with furniture; to fill the heart with joy.

3. to satisfy fully the hunger of; satiate
  
I don't mean to make this a long, drawn-out post. 
However, the understanding of these words as they relate to life, specifically the life of a Christian, has taken a long, drawn-out walk. 

If I am honest, I used to believe it was glamorous and exciting and a thrill to be "poured out." You get to love on orphans, feed the hungry, hang out with city kids on dangerous streets, buy the homeless person lunch. And then you walk away, patting yourself on the back for being such a good Christian and thinking to yourself, "Hey God, did you see what I just did there? You totally used ME to show that child YOU! That's so cool!"
And it is. 
However, it never required a lot of me aside from time and a little bit of energy. In reality, it wasn't pouring out because I really wasn't denying myself. I was helping my spiritual ego. 
And because I was doing such, I never really thought much of being filled up.

God took me to a season of life where I had to pour out every single day no matter if I felt like it or wanted to. It appeared to be fun and exciting and challenging... for a while. When pouring out becomes a daily thing, it ceases to be a glamorous and an easy, pat-yourself-on-the-back moment.  It actually becomes hard because the human nature in you doesn't like giving all the time. It hates denying itself of its comforts and privileges. It dislikes giving on the days when your head throbs and your "pouring out" isn't even noticed. It yells for attention when a situation arises that would be so nice to run away from.

And so, when you are pouring out every single day, something else that you never realized was so important suddenly becomes of the utmost importance: being filled up. 
Now, the secular and the even the Christian world told me that being filled up involves relaxing- pull your feet up, watch a pointless movie, maybe do your nails or read some easy fiction. Don't forget some chocolate or a good coffee drink. Ta-da! You're filled up. 
I tried this method for a while... It didn't work.
It took me a while to see that actually being "filled up" involves none of those things.
I found myself complaining to my mother about burn-out the one day.

She gave an illustration: "You're like a bucket with a hole in the bottom. You're bucket is full of water, but it's constantly draining out of the bottom of the bucket. You need to allow yourself to fill up, so you don't run dry."
Ah, the Source of the water.

To put it simply, if we are being "poured out" because of Christ, guess where we are going to be filled up?

Once again, human nature (more commonly known as self), doesn't like this idea. It wants to find it's own source. It wants to be self-sufficient or even deceiving.
"A dry bucket? Pawsh. Of course my bucket isn't dry. Granted, it's a lot emptier than it used to be, but look, it's still kind of pouring out... if you tip it on it's side you can get a couple good drops."
"Let myself be filled up? But isn't that selfish?"

No, my friend. Selfish is when you refuse to see that you need to be filled up. 
It appears to be self-explanatory. Fill means to "supply plentifully..." and that's what He does if we let Him. If we gorge, feast, delight in the Presence of God and ask Him to fill us up with more of Himself when there is nothing of us left.
(And as an added bonus- when you are filled up His way, He ends up filling you with so much joy that even though it doesn't always become easier, it does become an honor, a divine privilege, instead of a burden.)

"Come, all who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!.. Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." -Isa. 55

 

The Problem with Believing in Yourself

 "One of the most common problems with individuals today is that they do not believe in themselves.
Many people constantly doubt their abilities, skills, talents, opinions, and numerous other aspects that makes them who they are. For these individuals, a lot of precious time is wasted on this demeaning method of thinking.
If you are looking to improve yourself, your life, the way that others see you, and the way that you see yourself, it is important to understand the importance of believing in yourself. If you miss the opportunity of accomplishing this very important goal, you will continue to miss opportunities all through your life..."

Ah, yes. I do believe the beginning of this inspiring article was just meant for me. I want to find out if I have a good self-image. Maybe if I realize I don't I'll move onto the solution.
What's the solution? Better self-confidence. aka. Believing in myself.

The first thing they recommend is writing a list of goals and dreams... hmm. Already did that. Funny... I've accomplished maybe one or two of my somewhat outlandish dreams and ideas. And what I'm doing now wasn't even on that list and yet I'm still fulfilled in it.

Moving on... the second part to believing in yourself is finding out what my gifts and talents are. Looking at my career test, spiritual gifts test, and love language test, I probably shouldn't have even attempted the job(s) I have now.

(So far, I think this means I don't believe in myself every much)

Next step... overcoming the obstacle of fear. Ah. Well I've conquered that... I mean I think I have... I mean, well, I don't get scared by certain things anymore... of course, if a snake were to slither its way beside me, I'd... oh never mind.

Last method... challenge yourself. So, once I write down my dreams and goals, find out what my gifts and talents are, and overcome the obstacle of fear, I'm supposed to challenge myself?
Considering that I'm no longer afraid of anything, this should be a piece of cake. Right. And challenging myself is always a piece of cake.

Pardon my sarcastic rant, but I firmly believe that believing in yourself will not create the kind of belief in yourself that you really think you'll have. 

Let me use myself as an example.

People will come up to me occasionally and tell me they hear what a good teacher I am.
I often grin when I hear that, because actually, if I base it on human effort I'm not a very good teacher. I've switched up schedules, said things I shouldn't have, stuttered through many weeks of History lectures, have had moments of confusion over 6th grade Math, and become stumped over the many questions I'm asked.

Now, to the self-esteem promoters, the above paragraph would be saddening. I'm not believing in myself! I'm also speaking negatively about my actions! Horrors!

To the Christ-followers, the above paragraph should be an example of the grace of God. He led me to where I am, was so faithful in calling me to His strength when I felt weak, and has showed off so much of His power because I can't even take credit for answered prayer anyways.

If I had believed in my abilities as a teacher (even though I'd never taught before), and if I had overcome the obstacle of fear I feel when I have to confront, I would have no need for Jesus. After all, if I believe in myself, I don't need anyone else. And THAT, unfortunately, is the core of what believing in yourself really is. It leaves no room for the need of a Savior and Deliverer.
Jesus calls us to deny ourselves, not believe in ourselves.  

All this to say, you can believe in yourself as much as you like.
But I'd rather believe in a God who heals the sick, moves mountains, forgives, restores, redeems, and provides for His pitifully weak children.

"O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." -Ps. 84:12

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." -Matt. 16:24-25     

When Life Hands You a Pogo Stick

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." -Lemony Snicket

It was only a simple choice. A pogo stick just calling my name.
A split second decision.
I found myself flat on my back, the wind momentarily knocked out of me.
I try forcing a laugh.
Minutes later my body is going into shock: chills, clamminess, a rush of pain. 

Simple and seemingly pointless decisions can sometimes alter the course of your life.
At least, it can alter the course of your immediate life.
The alterations can sometimes happen for the better... but there may be painful side effects.
Attempting to ride a pogo stick and landing on your tailbone may be a cheesy example.
But it quite literally makes you slow down.
You walk behind the cute old ladies in the grocery store instead of passing them.
Your daily decisions are based on whether or not it is too painful to bend over or if it's too far to walk.  Sometimes you sit and imagine what it would be like to have no stiffness in your neck.

But sometimes... sometimes these little painful incidents are reminders. Reminders that God can work ALL things for our good.
It's easy to breeze through life hoping good things will happen all the time.
It's harder to walk slowly and somehow understand that pain always has a purpose.

I want healing, I want wholeness.
But if I am to hobble around in pain for a few weeks, then I want it to be a pain that makes me want Him more.
If I am granted healing and a release from pain, then I want it to be a healing that makes me want Him more.
  
It's a matter of perspective, really.
It's a daily choice- and today I choose to live dependent on Him.

{In the meantime, pogo sticks are no longer on my list of things-to-do}
 

Old Cars and the Glamorous Life

 I used to believe the Christian life should be glamorous.
Glamorous because you could win souls (as if it were some sort of game- wins and losses), be highly respected, God would bless you (we mean materially of course. You give away money, and He'll give you lots more... mostly for your bigger house and nicer car.) On top of all this, there would be those world travels full of inspiring stories of praying for people, "winning" more souls, and adventurous adventures.

This past year or two has completely gone against those ideas, but I was reminded of it the other day. Dad had finished fixing up a car to resell. It was a supposed to be mine at one point, but in a roundabout sort of way, it hadn't worked out. Being a kind and helpful daughter, I offered to, you know, test drive it around to make sure it was running okay and everything. So on my weekends home, I would drive it to church, to meet friends, or just because I could:]

Unfortunately, the more I drove it, the more discontent I became with "George," my greenish Honda that's older than me. I found myself whining to God... "Um, hey God? You see my ugly little car, right? I know it works great and all, but I really like this one better. So if you could just, uh, somehow make my car quit working? You know the back window is taped, and my car stereo is out, and well... It's just not how I pictured the "good gifts you give to your children."

Driving back home, I am convicted of course.
I am reminded of my previous belief- the glamorous Christian life I was expecting.
Instead of world travels, "winning souls," and a nice car, I am a small town teacher with an old car and if your comparing it to world travels, rather ordinary sort of adventures.

I am not living the glamorous Christian life in any sort of way.
Instead, I am learning to live in the fulfilled Christian life.
The one that falls exhausted into bed each night, and gets up early the next day because devotions is not just a habit, but a need.
The one where denying yourself and following Him is hard and freeing.
The one in which God works in spite of you.
The one where being a servant is the highest, hardest calling one can imagine.

The choice has been given: A "glamorous" life or a fulfilled life.
Glamorous is easy to live, but fulfilled is closer to the heart of Who Christ is. 
It really depends on what you value more. 

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Matthew 10:39 

Oh yes. And the green Honda named George? He's still running. And God is still good.